The First Word #15: Healing Relationships for Better Genealogy

Time is a funny thing. It just slips away and is gone before you know it. I don’t know what happened to the whole month of June for instance. I woke up the other day and my calendar said July 1st and I said, “Holy cow, where did June go?” As I get older, time seems to go by faster. My kids are already growing up, the number of years I’ve been alive is getting bigger at an alarming rate and I swear an hour or two is removed from my day every night while I am sleeping. Surely, there are only twenty-two hours in the day anymore!

I think of the shortness of life when I look how many of my “older” family members are passing away. There aren’t too many left “above” me in the tree any more. My family wasn’t that large to begin with! I only have 4 first cousins to start with! I know many families that have dozens. One of my maternal grandfather’s brothers and sisters died in May, Carl Businger. I remember as a child going to Uncle Carl’s house for a party on the 4th of July, eating watermelon in their back yard, then walking to the golf course nearby to watch the fireworks.

I was never very close to that side of the family. My mother has been semi-estranged from her family and after she moved us to Wyoming, we lost almost all contact with her family. Since my mother lost contact, so did I. When I became an adult and began researching my tree, her parents had already passed away and my already tenuous connections with any of her aunts and uncles had diminished even more.

I find it foolish and unnecessary that families can be broken apart and consequently much family history is lost as a result of one “break in the branch.” I would have loved to have had my grandfather’s siblings’ perspective on so many things. What could they have told me about him? About their upbringing? About their aunts, uncles, cousins? What stories have been lost now because of the grudges and wounded pride that happened before my time?

Stories are lost everyday that will never be pieced together, no matter how much research is done. My paternal grandfather, Karl Miller, was full of such stories. He told me about one time when he was painting a house with a bunch of other guys. One guy was standing on a ladder and his feet just happened to be at the same level as a window into the house. My grandpa took some paint into the house, reached out the window and painted the other man’s shoes! If I asked any number of people who knew my grandfather they would all have a story of his antics! These peeks into his practical joker personality are lost every time someone who knew him passes away. Then all that’s left of him are the names and dates and places that make up so much of the genealogical record.

That’s where part of our jobs as family historians come in. We have an obligation to interview those who are still living. Ask them about those who have already passed away, those who are still alive, and themselves. Videotape the interview or make an audio recording if they will let you. At least write these stories down and share them with your family.

Even in the time since I began writing this article I got an email from an aunt in Ohio letting me know that another member of our family has passed away. Uncle Ivan Stearns was a dedicated genealogist in my family, mainly researching the Businger side, which is my mother’s line. So, my point has been made again in my own family. I never had a chance to talk to Ivan. We had written letters a few times but never had the chance to meet. He’s on “that side” of the family that I’ve been apart from due to “bad blood” so long ago.

Are there similar situations in your family where someone has moved away, lost contact or been otherwise separated because of some fight or other disharmony? I encourage you to attempt to repair any relationships that have become lost or strained. These relationships are important for your genealogy, but more importantly, also for a more satisfying life being connected to your living family tree.